Likely survivors of the apocalypse

We are told that cockroaches, of which there are over 4,000 species, are the consumate survivors, able to go six weeks without feeding, able to withstand the radiation levels present at Hiroshima, and able to orbit the earth in a Coke can, the oxygen within being sufficient for several weeks.  They were contemporaries of the dinosaurs, and I'm sure the dinosaurs were creeped out also when they saw them in their kitchens .

When the first human survivors cautiously emerge from whatever shelters have kept them safe, they will already find junk mail in the smoking remains of their mailboxes, that is if it hasn't already found its way to the mail slots of those shelters.

We would humbly suggest another likely survivor of global catastrophe - Liriope spicata, also known as lilyturf or monkey grass.  

"What could go wrong?" we asked ourselves as we pushed a half-full wheelbarrow of the innocuous-looking plants home from a neighbors yard.  Little did we realize that the "pips," as the divisions are called, were quietly giggling, excited for the chance to conquer another sector of Earth.

We planted them carefully, and even watered and fed them, and they quickly spread under the pine trees in our front yard, soon offering a cool shady carpet, where before there had been only brown pine straw and pine cones.  "This looks great!" we chortled stupidly.  

However, things are never quite that simple, and the monkey grass began sprinting for the open. Paula created a no-man's land between the grass, which was quaking in its little green boots, and the monkey grass, which was shaking its fists, chanting aggressive slogans and trying to leap across the RoundUp-sprayed border.  

This worked until we left for five years.  With no one patrolling the border, pump sprayer at the ready, the Liriope escaped.  The grass was no match, and the maintenance guys that we had hired to keep the lawn in shape just gradually retreated before the onslaught.  By the time we got back, half the lawn was infested.  

We quadrupled the strength on the RoundUp and went to work, sacrificing a lot of the grass in the process.  Sure that control could only be achieved with a physical barrier, we a concrete mowing curb installed.

"Nice try, suckers!" I heard through the screen window lying in bed one night.  Investigating further in the morning, Paula found  that numerous rhizomes had already passed under the concrete and were heading for New York City.

"Quick!" I cried, and rushed to Lowe's, who gleefully sold me as much 4" steel edging as I wanted.

Over the next week, using a wide brick chisel, a sledge hammer and a Sawz-All for the pine roots, I cut a narrow trench behind the mowing curb and banged in the steel edging in.

I tell you I heard, with a Liriope accent, "Sucker!" as I trudged wearily away, shoulders, arms and knees aching after a week of work.  I awoke in a cold sweat that night, realizing that a 1" gap was left between the steel edging and the concrete curbing.

Home Despot opened at 6:30 AM, and actually 6:25 AM if you bang hard enough on the sliding glass doors.  

I ran inside and bought mortar and sand, and by the end of the second day, we had filled the gap.  

However, we noticed that the neighbors were no longer smiling, but were nervously shying their kids away from our yard and telling them not to talk to us.  

Anyway, for the moment we only hear angry whispered mutterings from the Liriope spicata, as it plans its next move.  

We sleep with a full sprayer of 8X-strength RoundUp next to the bed, ready to spray first and ask questions later.  

We hope that you have better luck with your ground covers, and if you see monkey grass, don't listen to it!

Dave & Paula