Yikes! Only six days to go!

Even though I might have done OK with her Christmas present (see previous post), Paula's birthday is now coming up in only six days!  Gotta think fast, and take in to account shipping time.

Many folks are of the opinion, even backed by studies, that experiences count more than stuff, so I started looking.  Hmmm, this looked like a possibility:

Private Ninja Lessons!

Wow!  This looked really cool!  "Learn about mysterious ninja warriors and martial arts in NYC at one of the oldest Bujinkan schools, affiliated with Bujinkan Hombu Dojo in Japan since the 1980's.  Your instructor was awarded the title of 'Shidoshi,' 'Teacher of the warrior ways.'"  

OK, not so fast.  If this indeed turned out to be a bad choice, I could be at risk of real, mysterious physical harm, even from my 5'4" lightweight wife approaching Medicare status.

So I kept looking.  Maybe something more peaceful.

I know that she really liked reading the books, so maybe some of the culinary offshoots would also float her boat.  It sounded like a winner:  "You can indulge in spellbindingly delicious meals drawn straight from the pages of your favorite Potter stories, such as:  Treacle Tart, Harry's favorite dessert, Molly's Meat Pies, Mrs. Weasley's classic dish, Kreacher's French Onion Soup, or Pumpking Pasties, a staple on the Hogwart's Express cart.

On second thought, eye of newt and salamander toenails may not be available from WalMart.

Back to the experiences.  Yeah, that's the ticket!  Bungee jumping!

"Bungee America," for only $165 for two jumps, promises "a full day adventure: enjoy a 5-mile hike to the Bridge to Nowhere, then jump from it!"  OK, even if she thought that tying her ankles to some bungees and leaping off the Bridge to Nowhere seemed OK, that sounds like a 10-mile roundtrip walk to do so.  She might not be in a good mood when she got back to the car, where I would have been taking a nap and reading a good book.

The stuff you can buy!  Unbelievable!  for only $75, you can have an artist produce, in sterling silver no less, a Custom Pet Nose Print Necklace.  What woman wouldn't want that?!  "Pet parents know that their furry friends' noses are as unique as our fingerprints.  Using a non-toxic molding kit, you can take a cast of the pet's nose and mail it back [the cast, not the pet's nose] and the artist will then produce a stunning reproduction, with the animal's name engraved on the back!"

Unfortunately, this would probably involve actually owning a dog, the possibility of which was expressed in conjunction with a phrase having to do with something over her dead body.  In addition, even if we had a pooch, I haven't met very many that would sit still while the non-toxic molding kit was applied to their schnoz.

So, maybe not.  OK, I know she likes to drink a cup of hot chocolate in the evening occasionally, and considering that February 5th is only seven days after the statistical nadir of winter temperature in North Carolina, I thought - no-brainer. The Finger Tracing Meditation Mug!

Man, this thing looked great!  "Add some meditation to her morning mocha [evening hot chocolate] with a mug that provides a labyrinth for her finger to slowly trace over as she contemplates the day ahead [behind]."  And I bet she'd be thinking of cool things, like how to make a non-toxic cast of my nose for a necklace, or something.  On the other hand, if I guessed wrong, by this time she might be ninja-trained.

Just as I was getting out the credit card to order the mug, the winner popped up.  Numero Uno!  These Orbits Eye Stones will do it - no question.

"Made from Finnish bedrock that is more than two billion years old, these stone disks bring tired peepers relief from long hours at the computer, puffiness after a long night, or itchiness due to seasonal allergies. Chill them in the refrigerator and apply on or under your eyes for a rock-solid spa treatment at home." 

    

Two billion years old!  They must be some kind of quality!  I'm just quivering with anticipation for when she opens them!  As one commenter noted, "You can't beat Finnish engineering!"

So, that's settled.  Who needs flowers or chocolate when you can get stuff like this?!

I hope that you are as successful in figuring out birthday presents.

Dave

PS  If you'd like to see a video about guys getting it wrong and the penalty for doing so, click here.

No, really, I'm serious!

If you're a husband, you know the drill.  When Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries are on the horizon, a certain chest tightness begins, which evolves into full-blown panic as the date approaches.  You try to remember hints, what she has liked in the past, you check with your kids, maybe call her best friend, etc.

I have certainly blown it in the past, without bringing up cringe-worthy gifts.  However, I think I am starting to figure her out.  In 2016, I got it right:

That's correct; she wanted waders so that she could clean the edges of her pond without falling in.  

OK, she's not totally weird.  She also scored the complete box set of "Downton Abbey."

Last year, the old gas blower gave out and despite carburetor rebuilds, etc. it would no longer start after only 30 years (!).  It got through my thick skull, and she was thrilled.  No, really!  Now when she goes by yard crews working, she grins and says her blower is better.

Sure, I also know what kind of perfume she likes, and when a catalog lays around open to a certain something, I'm no dummy.  This year, I kept my ears open for a couple of months before.  Yep, that's right, she wanted a bed cover for her 2001 Tacoma pickup.  Isn't that what every girl dreams about?  And I didn't misspeak; it's her truck.

So after I gave away the old plastic bedliner and had spray-on bedliner applied, she got what she really wanted.

On the other hand, she also giggled when she opened the pearl necklace.  Hey, I'm not totally dumb.

I hope you figure out your spouse also.

Dave

Every quarter century or so

 We don't "churn" cars.  When the last minivan broke down after fourteen years and almost 200,000 miles, the mechanic told Paula, "No!  Do not fix this car!  Push it into a pond somewhere."  We have sent three vehicles straight to the junkyard, burned up one in the hospital parking lot  (literally - flames, the whole thing), the kids have totaled four old cars and trucks, blah, blah, blah.  Even taking into account the couple of trade-ins, which are usually inflated, the residual value of one of our cars when it leaves us is less than $700.  

However, it was with real sadness that I realized that it was time to part with the '93 Miata.  It was showing its age, and it wouldn't be long before some serious work would need to be decided on.

I bought it in 1995, so I'd had it for 25 years.  Lots of fun in those years.

Trunk-or-Treat was by definition somewhat limited with a trunk-ette.  (Note: no actual Egyptians were harmed in the making of this blog entry.)

Although the thing was eminently impractical, you could still get a pandemic-week's-worth of supplies in it...

...as long as Paula didn't mind holding the ice cream on her lap.

  It was fiercely analog and therefore had no idiot lights.  You had to actually look at the gas gauge.

which meant that several family members got caught.  On one occasion Paula lucked out, looked helpless and a couple of big guys pushed her to a gas station.

Even though I know that it was an inanimate object and all of that, it was still a little sad waxing and polishing it for the last time.  There had been a lot of 3:45 AM's after a hard day and most of the night at the hospital when putting the top down and blasting home was the only thing to look forward to.  

However, I was becoming a bit more familiar with its insides than I wanted to be, and as noted, there were signs of trouble on the horizon.  

With that in mind, I priced it low, and when he drove in from Dallas, I told the buyer about every teeny thing that I could remember that was wrong with it.  He took home a box of stuff - a can of touch-up paint from its last trip to the body shop, a half-gallon of 5-40w oil that seemed to keep the engine a bit happier, an almost-new set of hydraulic valve lifters, the best shop manual ever and some other assorted things.  He was looking forward to working on it with his teenage son, a worthy new home.  Still...

So now I'm 66 years-old.  A late-middle-aged/early-elderly-retired guy should be looking for something more practical to drive, something that will smooth the bumps on the road, a quiet car with good cruise control and automatic on-board environment adjustment.  You know, a nice Avalon or a Lexus, or......

YEAH, RIGHT!  Not gonna happen.  Even though I no longer have hair to feel blowing in the slipstream, the little red car convinced me forever that getting somewhere doesn't have to be boring.  So, with what do you replace an aging Miata?  A new one!  Duh!!

We hope that your cars last a long time also.  By the way, if this one makes it 25 years like the last one, I'll be looking for a new Miata when I'm 91.  I dunno, should the next one be red again?

Dave